inarticulate sparkle.

I have lived in my apartment since October 2025. I have known my next door and downstairs neighbors since the day I moved in, because I made 12 metric tons of noise trying to drag all my shit up a flight of stairs by myself.

It didn;t take long to realized that the folks next door are the type of couple who don’t stop yelling at each other until the break of dawn, which is fantastic.

Lately, for whatever reason, I have been opening my front door at the exact moment that my neighbors are, or while they’re standing on the landing about to go downstairs. It is painfully awkward, and ya girl really hates an awkward moment (I will literally inconvenience myself to avoid thirty seconds of uncomfortable small talk), so I’ve started checking my peephole before opening the door. The only problem is, my peephole is blocked. By what? beats me, but all I can see is black when I look into it.

It’s not painted over on either end, unless the folks who lived here before me stuck a small brush into the actual hole…

So instead of peeping through the hole, I crack my front door and slowly and quietly as possible to check for the neighbors before the kids and I come barreling outside.

Today I had a couple things I had to do, like take out the trash and check the mail. Well, wouldn’t you know it, I swung the door open while holding a bag full of trash, and the first thing I see is an unfamiliar man standing on my landing!

I fucking screamed, y’all.

I, a former cop, gun toting badass, SCREAMED like a little girl.

The poor guy was there collecting the trash, and he jumped so high I thought he was going to hit the roof. I immediately apologized profusely, probably too much, because the dude was just staring at me like I was certifiably insane.

So now I have two problems. My peephole still doesn’t work. My neighbors probably think I’mcrazy.

And somewhere out there is a trash collector telling his coworkers about the woman in apartment [redacted] who opened her front door and screamed directly into his soul.

I’m going to let the kids answer the door from now on. They can deal with the uncertainty while I hide behind them.