inarticulate sparkle.

I’m not exactly sure what my problem was, but up until the past couple years, I let men walk all over me. Maybe I thought I wasn’t worthy, or that it was the best that I could get? Maybe I was colorblind, and that’s why I didn’t see the red flags? In either case, I have learned. The Manifested Man is the first *MAN* (and hopefully the last) that I’ve ever been with.

I accepted complete fucking nonsense from multiple boys in the past, and here is a compilation of that nonsense. Disclaimer: if something sounds a little too outlandish, it’s likely something I learned about *after the fact*.

I let a man sell my desktop PC to a pawn shop so he could buy pills. He said he did it because I went on a trip without him and he was mad. That same man PAWNED HIS CAR later on for pills also. I didn’t even know you could do that.

I stayed with a man who told me that I could not be a cop because I had a family and it was unsafe. That man started a family with me WHILE I WAS IN THE POLICE ACADEMY.

I let a man check every line of a grocery store receipt to make sure I didn’t spend any money on myself, because he made more money than I did (because i was forced to get a BS job because I “couldn’t” be a cop).

I let a man tell me that if I got a certain haircut, he would marry me the next day, and then he ghosted me.

I let a man “load” the dishwasher with bowls face up on the bottom rack, and maybe 7 items total for a “full load”. That same man thought Swiffer-ing was mopping.

I loved a man who told me he WASN’T READY to move in/get a place with me after dating for 2 whole years. This man still lived at home with his parents and complained about it constantly. THIS MAN WAS ALSO 40 YEARS OLD.

I stayed with a man who complained about my toddler being cranky on our trip to Hawaii (that I paid for). I also let that man complain about making him contribute to the trip, after he told me he would want to contribute to the trip.

I believed a man who told me he would be over at 11, didn’t show up until 2 because he was “tired” and then proceed to cut our plans short by a few hours for no reason at all.

I let a man come spend the weekend with me, we went to Seaworld, the movies etc, and then after he went home (to a different state), he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. We met on a dating app.

I let a man, whom I was engaged to, come on a trip with me to Vegas, and then get mad when I said I didn’t want to get married in a chapel. Away from our kids and family.

I let a man tell me he loved me after talking FOR A WEEK, and then I was surprised when he then told me HE WASN’T READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP.

I stayed with a man accuse me of cheating on him and start a fight with me out of nowhere while I was on patrol, and got me so upset that I had to hide in the station because I couldn’t stop crying.

I trusted a man to use a brand-new car that I bought after he totaled his, and then he gave it to his drug dealer who then got in a police chase and destroyed the car.

I accepted a man who cornered me in my bedroom and screamed at me from 3 inches away (because he got caught CHEATING) while I held my newborn baby.

I survived a man who pointed a gun at my head because he was mad that I found out he was hooking up with men for money behind my back, and when I called 911 the deputy that showed up didn’t believe me.

I let a man teach me that I am worthy of love, and patience, and that I deserve the world.